Premise:

A longeth time ago, thou went on thy quest to slay some bozo thou did not care to understandeth. Thou art Kuros, a puny knight of evil or something like that. Thou art in thy forest, killing random enemies and listening to thy pimping music. Thou art 31337!!!111

Okay, so I didn't actually take the time to get past the first level [at the time of this writing]. I was too busy cracking up at the... well, shall we say, quirks of the game.

Ratings:

Forest... uh, isn't that cliche? - 4

Is it me, or does every high-medieval fantasy setting start off with a forest level? I don't claim to be a guru of such games, but Ghosts 'n' Goblins did it. Super Ghouls 'n' Ghosts did it. I'm sure that other games could testify to this fact, but I'm too lazy to dig through my collection.

Ah well... Wizards and Warriors is one of the first, so I give it credit.

PHALLLIC SYMBOLS!!! - 5

Any game with phallic symbols is a classic IMHO... wait, that would make Total Recall and various other crap games classics. Wizards and Warriors' controls were well beyond its time. A jumps, and B strikes. However, one of the guys at Rare decided to turn your jumping into a powerful attack. When Kuros leaps into the air, he inserts the hilt of his shimmering sword in his crotch, decimating every enemy foolish enough to touch him. Don't you see the artistic value of this? It a symbol of REVOLUTION! A symbol of change! A clash with the valor of knighthood! A call to men to abandon their knighthood and believe in their sexual prowess! Don't you see how far beyond its time this game was? Beautiful, I say... rich and full of symbolism.

Ahem... I'm a tad hyper today.

Pimping Music - 2

I don't consider myself a music critic, but I do like to have music that fits the level. Once Kuros plops himself into the forest, showing his shimmering sword, we are all treated to a pimping tune of sorts. It sounds like a weird contortion of carnival music and Ye Olde Burping, digitized for the NES' crappy sound chip. Although not as bad as some music (again, Total Recall takes the cake here), it becomes quite irritating. Add some dumb lyrics and pretty-boy singer, and you have a pop music song.

Ye Olde English Factor - 3

Dragon Warrior introduced copious use of Ye Olde English into medieval-themed games, but W&W really overuses it (for a platformer, anyway). Every line of text contains some Ye Olde English, and you see the words "Thou hast" far too many times. If you're a purist and love that sort of thing, the hithers and thithers might be entertaining, but at times, reading the text can be as annoying as reading Moby Dick or any of those boring books you hear about in English class. Thankfully, there isn't alot of text, at least as far as I've played.

The Fifth Category - 3

I need another category to round off everything and fill my quota. So here it is. Oh, uh, content... uh... submit or die, foolish human!

Overall - You do the freaking math

In closing, Wizards and Warriors seems like a boring game at first, but it has such depth. Everything about W&W chronicles the struggle of knight types against their waning libidos. You just don't see it, because you're not hardcore.

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