There was once I time when I, like many gullible children, would stare in front a dim TV, waiting for another badly animated episode of Captain Planet and the Planeteers (or one of its variants). I do not know what drew me to this show; perhaps it was childish stupidity, perhaps I was mocking the blatant moralism and complete lack of scientific fact; or maybe I was just bored.

Whatever the reasons, I saw the stupidity once more. While flipping through the channels, I stumbled upon the Cartoon Network, a station that's only useful for showing reruns of Reboot and the easily mockable Sailor Moon (I know I've incensed all the Moonies out there, so release your rage here), as well as being an indispensible source of mockable advertisements. (Okay, so I never watched Space Ghost... big deal, so what?) Lo and behold, the New Adventures of Captain Planet and the Planeteers (circa 1994) were in full blast, and once more Captain Planet's lame humor incited bouts of uncontrollable laughter.

For the uninitiated, here's the basic idea of the series; five young people, selected through worldwide demographics and marketing appeal, are given elemental rings by the all-powerful Gaia, a mix between God (presumably the Christian one) and your neighborly Greenpeace representative, with the body of a generic fantasy goddess/demigoddess. The five youngsters, dubbed the Planeteers, are endowed with five elements; Earth, Fire, Wind, and Water (which are present in pretty much all works of fantasy and in old mythology, although Water usually comes before Wind), and Heart, the obligatory fifth element that makes no sense (no relation to the movie "The Fifth Element"). These kids are told to fight for the environment and do so unquestionably, because Gaia is better than them. Coincidentially, our modern pseudoscience (or, more accurately, the pseudo-science of 1994) is the perfect guide to protecting the planet.

Alone, it doesn't sound TOO bad. But what really makes this show laughable are the dumb villains. Every one of them wants to pollute the environment and turn the Earth into a slag heap for the sake of pollution and destruction, and follows the Evil Greedy Pig Doctrine (i.e., "I am evil and you are going to get in my belly.") They are all accompanied by the Obigatory Evil Villain Voice and Obligatory Evil Clothing, a powerful writing tool of committee thought. Who would have thought of that? There is only one set of words to describe the villains: "bad enough to save the president." Too bad the heros are just as generic as the villains.

Our intrepid heros fly in their Eco-Wing (which is compliant to 1994 emission standards, no less), battling the various minions of evil and their polluting ways. Some lame comic fighting is interpersed in between, topped off by the triumphant call for Captain Planet. Who is Captain Planet? Imagine an amalgam of Superman, a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, Big Brother, and any azure-skinned generic with the aforementioned elemental powers, and you have Captain Planet. When the Planeteers need help (which is almost always), Captain Planet comes to the rescue and saves us all from certain destruction at the hands of the tiniest amount of carbon dioxide. Accompanying his attacks and his victory are lame quips barely resembling humor and lamer puns, with the occasional complaint of "this pollution is hurting me, although I am an all-powerful hero of nature!" After his job is done, Cap'n P and the crew laugh over more lame crap, and the world is safe until some other Industrialist Pig decides to be pathetic enough to be animated on the show. Afterwards, a "Planeteer Alert" (or "Big Brother's Order of the Day", depending on your affiliation) shows up on the screen, and the planeteers, as though quoting an MS Word Template, tell us about the latest actions of the Evil Eco-Hating Pigs. Then there's the wonderful song, that glorious song so often mocked by anyone with a living brain cell. Strangely, this series appeared in two incarnations (once in 1990, and again in 1994) and at least six direct-to-video movies were released (coming from someone who just took a few seconds to find the aforementioned mockable song). You can still find the Captain Planet homepage here, if you are really desperate for laughs.

Now, I have no problem with protecting the environment, reducing emissions standards, recycling, and the like. Heck, I'm not the biggest fan of captialism and industry, as you might know. However, Captain Planet sends the message that any exercise of human technology or even human intelligence leads to environmental corruption and the complete desolation of human life (aside from all technologies sanctioned by Greenpeace), and that Captain Planet and the Planeteers are indeviantly right. (Indeviantly being a word I came up with because I'm tired.) Had an actual case for eco-worship been presented, I could simply disregard it and move on with my life, but this is just too much fun for all of us. Therefore, I shall be getting to the point of this rant: my take on the Captain Planet theme!

A bit of warning; this song is quite cynical, coming from an amoralist such as myself. And yes, this is from the credits theme; I haven't heard the opening theme in a long time, and can't because I get home from school after the opening. Like I'd rush to tune in to the Cap'n anyway. ;P

HURT!
FEAR!
SHAME!
SUFFER!
FART!
Go Planet!

"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"

Captain Planet, he's no hero
gonna nuke our hopes down to zero!

He's a jackass, all the time,
and he'll save the Earth through genocide!

Captain Planet, he's no hero
gonna make us all look like Nero!

Gonna help him bruise and torture
people who have to feel and suffer!

"Please, PLEASE forgive us Captain Planet!"

We're a bunch of jerks
you can be one too
'cause being a jackass is the thing to do!

Seemingly demeaning, it is the way!
Hear what Captain Planet has to say!

"The Power is MINE!  BWAHAHAHAHA!"

[Cap'n glares at you while the words "Ignorance is Strength" appear on the screen.]

~finis

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