There are alot of fecal things in the world. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Captain Planet, Star Trek; the list could go on for as long as I feel like insulting large groups of people I have never met. Nonetheless, there is a standard for things that are absolutely crappy. You know what they are; snooty prettyboy bands, little punks who think that they are all-knowing because they know a few cheat codes (excuse me, kheat kodes) for Mortal Krapbat, and zealous analist fanboys.

Most of RPGamer's editorials fall somewhere near there.

Now, I am not clean of this sin; I too have submitted an editorial to RPGamer, and I repeatedly bash my skull for doing so, as the point of the whole editorial was fricking dumb. Now, the whole thing has degenerated to people who act as though they're industry analysts and brag about meaningless figures spread by the media, old-school vs. new-school fanboys, and completely and utterly retarded rants such as my own. There's plenty of MSTs out there for the whole old-/new-school thing, and they MST themselves.

For the uninitiated, MSTs are based on the premise of a recently-canceled show called Mystery Science Theater 3000 (hence the name MST3K, shortened to MST). Basically, the characters - I forget their names, since I haven't watched the show a whole lot - mock very bad movies from long ago, and occasionly laugh at the latest cable releases. MST3K's fans adore every aspect of the series, from the intentionally cheesy scenes to the sarcastic quips against a bad movie. Unique. Crazy. Funny. And of course, marketing execs didn't get it.

Like most MSTers, I'm using completely different characters to mock these editorials. I'll try to be consistent, but I haven't been thus far. Backstories are as follows:

The Critic - A short, stubby humanoid as depicted on the short-lived TV series "The Critic", which relies on cruel mockery of celebrities and the Hollywood industry. I just chose it at random, but now I have a reason to revive this personality; I'm feeling more and more like the Critic when it comes to the gaming industry.

Sir Sparkle - A floating disembodied head not dissimilar to Homer Simpson. He is the product of cross breeding between a fish and a lightbulb, which baffles most but is completely plausible to a true hardcore fan. Sir Sparkle is little more than a cultural stereotype, a symbol of goth-wannabe nihilism and contempt.

Open position - I haven't filled the necessary blank slot, since the character I wanted to use is more or less useless. Wait for the next MST.

I won't add supporting characters, since I've barely fleshed out the characters' backgrounds. Also, I'm not naming names here, and all the editorials here are presented anonymously. None of these are personal attacks, since I barely know these people. Without further ado, let the MSTs begin!

Why doesn't Square make SEQUELS?
by [name omitted]
Sir Sparkle: Because they know that they'll be accused of pimping a franchise if they use the same world over and over?
The Critic: Because they have such a thing as artistic disrection?
Sir Sparkle: Of course not!

See-kwels? What is a see-kwel?
The Critic: Something very different from a sequel, I guess.
Sir Sparkle: It's a kind of diet. I see kwel, I... oh, that doesn't fit.
The Critic: That is so diet fad slogan '94.

What with all these new RPGs out, especially by Square, I'm not so sure I know anymore.
Sir Sparkle: You should, seeing as you made up the word "see-kwel."
The Critic: Give it up, double S.

Okay, let me think.
The Critic: Shouldn't you think before you write?
Sir Sparkle: The MSTer certainly didn't.
[Ominous pimp slap sends SS flying.]
Sir Sparkle: Waugh!

A sequel is, IMHO, a second part of a story that either carries on or concludes the original one
The Critic: Funny, I thought we were talking about games.
Sir Sparkle: What about moogles and chocobos and the underlying theme of life and love?
The Critic: No, you idiot! Don't you know that the majority of the True RPGers say that story is the only True Element? Some other guy said so!
Sir Sparkle: And don't forget Chrono Cross and Parasite Eve 2, which clearly continue the stories of their earlier incarnations.
The Critic: Quiet you, you're not a True RPGer.

So, knowing this, why do we have a Final Fantasy 8 that is NOTHING like FF7 or FFI?
The Critic: Okies, let's see; similar game flow, similar battle system, all the stuff I mentioned above-
Sir Sparkle: I mentioned those!
The Critic: Shyeah, only because you rip off my style. Besides, you haven't played FF8.
Sir Sparkle: Neither have you.

Granted, I love Square. Best dern RPG makers I've ever seen.
Sir Sparkle: Strangely, I'm not compelled to make a sarcastic comment.
The Critic: Only because you'll be sure to piss off all the Square fanboys out there.

I love Final Fantasy (My fav is FF4), as well as Xenogears and Chrono Triger.
The Critic: "triger?"
Sir Sparkle: I guess the editorials guy is too lazy to correct errors.
The Critic: The MSTer is lazy if he's trying to make jokes about grammar errors.
[TC is pimp-slapped.]

But new FF games come out almost every 1-3 years, but they have nothing to do with eachother at all!
All: And?

Think about it.
Sir Sparkle: I did. Didn't we have this discussion years ago?

With each new FF game, we get a different cast, setting, world, magic, technology, etc.
The Critic: I really want to use the Onion Kid from FF3j!
Sir Sparkle: And the worthless Thief from FF1!
Sir Sparkle: And wasn't the Marsh Cave fun?
The Critic: *I* liked the Marsh Cave.

The only thing in common between the games is some Call Spells(or Espers or Summons or GFs; wish they'd make up their minds), Airships, and the Chocobo.
Sir Sparkle: A-hem. *points to earlier discussion.*
The Critic: I thought "Caller" wasn't an accurate translation anyway.

They NEVER have the same story or allusions to prevous games, and are totally independent from one another.
Sir Sparkle: Is this guy asleep or something?
The Critic: I know I am. I figured he'd find a common thread in the first six games at least.

Alright; The Empire Strikes Back is a sequel, it carries on the Star Wars tale with the same characters as before.
The Critic: I know that.

As is countless movies, such as Scream 2, Wayne's World 2, Terminator 2, and countless others. These movies carry on a saga.
Sir Sparkle: Wayne's World 2 was a saga?
The Critic: I thought Terminator 2 was just a reason for James Cameron to say "Look ma, I can do 3d computer graphics!"

They use previous characters, similar settings, etc.
Sir Sparkle: Didn't Scream 2 take place elsewhere?
The Critic: Quiet. You're not a True Movie Fan.

So why doesn't FF?
All: BECAUSE SQUARE DOESN'T WANT TO, AND THEY HAVE EVERY DAMN RIGHT!

And it's not just Final Fantasy, either. Square's other games, such as Seiken Densetsu and SaGa are all non sequel games.
The Critic: Tells you something about the people at Square, doesn't it?
Sir Sparkle: It tells me that they're too half-assed to worry about continuity, that's for sure.

And yet, they are placed in a series. Why? They often have little or nothing to do with eachother.
Sir Sparkle: Because gameplay has no bearing on the status of being a see-kwel.
The Critic: Dude, have you even played a SaGa or Seiken game?
Sir Sparkle: Of course not. Unfounded opinions are always the best.

Video games have sequels, too. Take Mega Man, Castlevania, or Super Mario.
The Critic: So you're saying that an idea must be pimped, mangled, or...
Sir Sparkle: HA ha! You couldn't insult SMB! Wuss.
The Critic: Bellyfeel.

All have similar sequels, right?
The Critic: Compare and contrast the older Castlevania games to Castlevania 64.
Sir Sparkle: One rocks, the other is soft, brownish rocks.
The Critic (lamer): U R jUsT a J4D3d 0lD-sK00l lAm3R!!!
Sir Sparkle: I thought only True RPG fans used that excuse.
The Critic: Quiet, you're not a True Insultor.

Not RPGs by Square. I find this very odd.
Sir Sparkle: Would I spoil anything if I said the best part is yet to come?
The Critic: You'd disappoint everyone and then someone would lump you with Big Media.

The new Chrono Cross will be released in Japan soon.
The Critic: Wasn't CC released a month ago as he wrote the article? December 14th, right?
Sir Sparkle: No, RPGamer uses a different calendar. Down with the Gregorian tyranny!

From what I hear, it features a similar setting and allusions to its prequel Chrono Trigger. Boo yah!
Sir Sparkle: Does this mean... Shaq is back?
The Critic: I hope not. That game was awful.
Sir Sparkle: Don't bring back memories.

Now Square makes a sequel. The main cast of CC is different form that of CT, but it seems to be a sequel as well.
The Critic: I know that.

So how about you? Do ya'll like in with the new, out with the old? Or do you prefer true blue sequels to RPGs?
Sir Sprakle: Discontinuity VS. Sequels - REVENGE!
The Critic: There can only be one.
Sir Sparkle: Dude, I'm being sarcastic.
The Critic: Quiet, you're not a True Comic Book Guy.

I welcome comments and suggestions. Thanks for reading,
Sir Sparkle: Your article has been a pleasure... ...Do you really think I'm that cliché?

~ finis

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